I took a personal call this morning, a rare occasion during “work” hours. My girlfriend needed to speak and I called her on my way to the office, thinking five minutes would suffice. Five minutes became sixty.
She shared intimate details, and a gift was given to me–she allowed me to open up to her. Forever grateful I am, for the revelation borne in that phone call.
Caballito. The dance. The unease. My confusion at this unease. My neediness. When did I become that girl? Everything is perfect, I don’t wish for the dynamic to change. It’s a puzzle I cannot complete. A piece is missing and yet I don’t know what to look for.
What, I wonder, am I seeking? What words could reverse my insecurity or satiate this unidentifiable void? Perhaps, this situation is not sustainable for me. I, not cut out for this companion, FWB.
The journey to the truth.
Caballito put it all on the table when I met him. I don’t want to be your boyfriend. I welcomed the departure from the men in New York, the Journalist and Matt Damon, who wanted just that. Between the falling snow and cold last week, I was disappointing them. Creating pain. Running away . . . . to Puerto Rico, to Caballito. My companion. I, now the disappointed.
I vary between the extremes, I think. The Available Man who is unappealing versus the Unavailable man who is addictive.
“It’s all the same,” my girlfriend said. I search my mind, attempting to find the common link.
Someone asked me in April what I wanted. I said, continuity. Ever since, I use this word often. However, I never realized how this unfulfilled need and my search for such, is the basis of the unhealthy relationships in my life—and the deterrent to a proper one. These men and my relationships with them, stem from the temporary fulfillment of this need, a fulfillment that cannot sustain itself.
With Matt Damon and the Journalist, they liked me, truly. I liked them as friends. My ex-boyfriend told me, “You make people your world and they become addicted to you.” These men. We become friends. We establish the continuity I want. I seek. Yet, it is a lost pursuit, as the foundation is created on their desire for more. It will inevitably, end. And it does.
Matt Damon. He wrote me an email on Monday, “I still feel now as I did then that you are clearly not a platonic friend to me and it only takes you walking into a room to remind me of that. I’m confident enough in what I want to tell you that I don’t want to pursue a faux friendship with you as I place you on a pretty high pedestal so it would be dis-ingenious for me to do so.” It’s over. That’s that.
Caballito. I love our companionship. It is beautiful. But built on words that promise no continuity. “I don’t want to be your boyfriend.” We have, however, established a continuity. And the obvious conflict between the foundation and the continuity that is making me so happy precludes it’s death.
And here Attainingme realizes, that without a solid family, without a solid home, with two lives, she has a very crucial unfulfilled need. Some people need to be liked, need to be appreciated, need to be in control—I need continuity. And I can’t put this burden on men. I need to fulfill this elsewhere. And I have a feeling, that once I do so, life will change, yet again. 🙂
And this is how I grow. This is how I attain me.