So, I apologize for my very negative post regarding my birthday. I hate sounding so sad and depressing, yet I also believe in being real, and that post, with its four sentences, was very real.
I had celebrated the day before with a group of some friends. The day was complete with champagne and dancing but as the night came, nothing awaited me. Only the morning welcomed my newly 26 year old body and all I craved was some one on one time with a close friend, lunch a movie, anything . . . but, nothing.
As my lonely birthday progresed, I received a large number of birthday wishes including a record breaking number of posts on Facebook such as “Sweet baby Jesus a lot of people love you. One more raindrop for the overflowing bucket. Happy Birthday my dear.” The disparity between my virtual snapshot of my life and my cold reality was alarmingly ironic. No one would imagine what my actual day entailed.
And this contradiction turned me inward. I am wrong to think I am not loved, because I know, I am.
I am loved, indeed. But I have created a wall to truely loving me. Liking me is allowed.
And yes, no one can dispute that I am liked. But like doesn’t allow for favors or needs or wants. Like is convenient. Like is safe. Cabalitto is like. “Like” to the point he forgot it was my birthday and didn’t call. I allowed him into my life because of a perceived safety, and we found ourselves with unwelcomed emotions. We currently tiptoe around those that are susceptible and as a result, we have nothing.
I created this. I created a bubble around my life. I live in two places. You can’t need me. I cannot need you. Like me. I am here, but I am here without strings. Nothing to pull on should you need me. Nothing for me to grab when I am falling.
My awareness of favors also sheds light on this. I say yes, I will pick you up at the airport, I will do this and/or that. Yet, I find it impossible to ask for the same. And when I do, the response is no. As such, I am exhuasted by the favors I perform.
As I move forward into this new age, this new year, this new life, I realize I need to allow vulnerability in all relationships, including frienships. Ask, give, love. Love deeply. Step out of the comfort zone of safety. Welcome the inevitable fights that close friendships bring.
We are human and we need.