Don’t fall for me

I have been single for more than a year and a half … And during that time, there have been many moments where I wonder what happened to the moments where men feel in “lust” with me–my good friend, “KidRobot” (one who I initially dated upon meeting and who told me he loved me) told me years ago people feel in love with the idea of me, not actually me. I believe it was his own rationalization, regardless, it may hold a certain truth.

I suppose it was a curse in a way as some of these men were only friends I adored. Consequently, hurting people and running away became a common theme. I punished myself. I wished for this to end, and my wish was granted. This past year has been without these men who appreciate me, my intelligence, my goofiness, my ambition ..instead its been marked by an emotional relationship with my hairdresser  and much suppressed pain over never-ending games with two unavailable men. Both “good guys”, generous, charismatic, loyal, handsome, ambitious ….the dialog or games continue…

You see as much as I am an independent woman, I am one who enters a room as an observant .. I am social but can be shy until the situation is assessed. My dealings with men are the same. (Men take note) I see it as a dance … I will remain in sync with you. I am not going to pursue you without reason to do so. I am not going to call you multiple times without you doing the same. I am not going to tell you how much I think of you, how much I crave ripping your clothes of, how much I would prefer to do nothing with you over anything else- if I fail to be any sort of priority to you. When you call, I still melt and I suppose this is why these relations continue …. No reason to end them. No psycho girl, no girl you can hurt– I am too indifferent, well seemingly.

However, as Mr. Titanium, one of the aforementioned ‘unavailable guys’ said, “You are so pretty and smart and unattainable.” …… “The problem with you is you’re too sane” referencing how I am not self-deprecating and don’t take men’s’ bullshit, my seeming indifference (If only you knew the countless moments and thoughts dedicated to Mr Titanium. As much as I seem above it, I fail to be emotionally so) … Regardless, thanks Mr. Titanium…yes I didn’t take your bullshit, and now you have raised the question as to whether I should have put myself out there ..

However, I know that when a man falls for you, when he stands to be the one who will be “all about you”, the one who is not going to be an emotionally distant boyfriend, there is something which I will call “when he goes SUPER,” much like the men who feel in lust with me. This term was coined last week as I explained a story to the owner of the restaurant next door to my apartment on the island, we will call him “MiCarino.” I was trying to explain how you know when a guy falls for you and when he likes you. I was trying to differentiate between a guy who is interested in you and a guy that is enamored with you- as I explained, MiCarino excitedly questioned, “When he goes SUPER?!” It must be explained I am on a Spanish-speaking island . . regardless, so SUPER it is!

So I explained to MiCarino how I may be returning to New York as the guy who I was spending time with in New York, “Matt Damon,” wanted me to come back for a certain event. I planned to go, but an uh-oh moment occurred upon the realization that if I went, he would fall for me. It would demonstrate that I was onboard… and I am not. I like him, but I will hurt him. How do I know? Because he went SUPER. My avoidance tactics are in preparation– I am ready to say goodbye to the moments I enjoyed and the many more I know I would.

I suppose after a year of unavailable men, i have started to attract the other extreme, again. Appropriately so, I have another problem, MiCarino has gone SUPER. I have seen him almost everyday . .

And I feel like a fucked up girl. There is nothing I want more than to share life and moments and the intimacy that only comes with a relationship. ….but here I am, looking for the brakes or to tie my laces and take off running ….kicking myself for kissing MiCarino the other night, kicking myself for telling Matt I missed him. Both actions are true and honest, both men make me smile.

Yet, they don’t feed my neuroses. I am not addicted to them. I enjoy both of them and I wonder to myself if that is enough. A part of me continues the path, as it feels right, but then I think about the future, I think about how I don’t foresee one. I realize I may hurt them if I enjoy these moments and get to know them any more.

And I am stressed out . . . If only I was better at confrontation.

KIDROBOT- for his creative genius. His departure from the suited world and into one of the extreme. For his refusal to dress his age and for his seeming refusal to act it- however, underneath, he is a man and is warm, kind, emotional and intelligent- and i do love his existent child. We are just too different, so we will be friends forever with the exception of our current fight. I think due to his underlying feelings (1-2008, “I have never stopped loving you”) and the refusal to admit that our futures don’t coincide- he has chosen to resent me instead.

MICARINO- Because he is warm and charming. Likable and sweet. I have only known him two weeks but he has an unmatched ability to make me feel cared for. Not attracted to him though and I see him as a best friend.

MATT DAMON- Because he bears an uncanny resemblance to Matt Damon. He is wonderful. Not my typical type, but a good guy. And not an unavailable good guy. Younger and I don’t know if he is enough of a man for me. I think I have his dream job. Awkward.

Why women concentrate on their physical faults

I feel slightly queasy and I am not one to have motion sickness. Of course I now sit here, our hull slamming down violently amongst the swells, typing– I suppose I am clearly not in jeopardy of being sick. Or rather the distraction from the girl who is, is much needed. So, I type this from Rapid Explorer, the ferry from St. Maarten to St. Barts. I spent a few hours alone in St. Maarten and sit here pondering my beauty and my singleness.

Why do I always feel inadequate physically if a relationship fails to go somewhere? why are the two connected subconciously? I read the other day that if a man is with you and the relationship does not progress, it does not have to do with your physicality. This is so true …

Why I started this blog

I lay here on the beach, the sun although masked by clouds, is glaring in my peripheral. The desire to shut my eyes and escape is much like my normal tendencies. I am typically hyperactive and one who when the activities come to a halt (most often at night when I should be crawling into bed) numbs myself from my subconscious- much like an alcoholic, however my chosen drug is not alcohol. More to share about that later.

My desire to start this blog is from the introspective dialog that plays in my mind and from the realization that this dialog is much healthier than the numbed mind produced by my “drug”. So, this blog is my therapy, my purging of my suppressed emotions. You are who I trust. You are my therapist and if you become my friend, it will be an unconditional one as this blog will not be written with filters.

As all things in life that we devote inordinate amounts of time to, there should be a mutual and societal benefit. You are my cure. I offer you whatever may come from reading my musings. I make no promises, but this blog may inadvertantly result in perspective, learned empathy, lessons in love, sex, money, confidence, and a visceral experience of my life as the unconventional learning how to happily chase the unattainable.

— Now, sandy, salty and sun-kissed me

“As evolving human beings, we are inherently imperfect and we’re not capable of reaching perfection, because we are in a constant state of development. But the path to evolutionary enlightenment is paradoxical, because I have found that the most appropriateposture for consistent higher development is one of ceaselesslyreaching for perfection while knowing full well that we’ll never be able to achieve it. Only reaching toward that which is absolute—ever striving to attain the unattainable—puts the self in a position to consistently evolve. ” – Andrew Cohen