i get it now

When otherwise insignificant events all of a sudden amount to a moment. A moment when life grabs you by your ankles and you find yourself upside down.

The beautiful sadistic support of life.

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The saga continues

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 Gudirr Gudirr (image courtesy of Ponch Hawkes) (Credit: ABC Licensed) 

 

A net sewn just in time. I remain entangled. The escape peers at me through the woven threads.

I still fail to understand his actions. I cannot help but feel as if he is intending to drive me away. Force my hand, unveil faults and drama. Problem is, I still love. And loving is none of the above.

I have an ability to understand the emotions that drive behavior. Perhaps, I am too close, but I cannot reconcile his words verses his actions. Insecurity, pain, walls, protection cannot explain. I rest on confusion. He’s checked out without being quite ready to lose me. I have him tethered as he has me. 

 

As with anything, the perceived games and continued pressure will force our undoing. I have asked for what I need. Pleaded to feel his supposed love. I will not complain at the lack of answering. There’s a fine line between fighting for love and being blind. I am no sadist. A new job, a new life awaits. As of now, I will let it engulf me. And I won’t let you find you. 

Breaking up – The slow end

“I cannot do this anymore”

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My friends comment how composed I am, how I don’t show emotion. I provide updates, my understanding of his actions, I show my frustration and, my clinging heart is exposed. But what they don’t see, what they don’t expect, is the moments here. At home. The minutes that have turned into hours that collectively may now add up to a day. The moments where I am paralyzed as the energies of my body are consumed by breaking my heart.

I hold my head in my hands, close my eyes, and search for an answer on what to feel. Trapped between words of love and actions that contradict, I straddle allowing the anger to consume me and move on, or the alternative, letting go with love. In one scenario, I fuck, I date, I write a story that has no second act. In the other, I embrace my individuality, cherish my friends, and remain emotionally and physically unavailable. Drawn to him. Ultimately. Remaining open to a future us.

I look at my phone. I acknowledge the game at play and my lack of understanding his motives as of yet. However, as each minute passes, as my eyes search around my room as if the answers could be found here, I embrace the anger for it is the only escape.

The impermanence of love

I know now more than ever that you could be my forever.

I check my phone. To see if you had words to say. Lingering emotions that could not be contained. When nothing meets me, I realize that my heightened emotions are impermanent. Should days go by whereby they stay unanswered, walls will build. I will go.

An epic lesson in relationships – Part 1

I learned a shit ton this evening. I read his message at a marketing event this evening.

My lungs longed to collapse. Minutes that were languid and onerous turned into painful seconds; a thousand needles penetrated my skin as each one passed.

1, a thousand needles

2, a thousand needles

3, a thousand needles

4, a thousand needles

I doubted if I could survive five more minutes. Undeniably, thirty minutes would consume me.

I could imagine how one’s mind could become psychotic.

The message was not dramatic. Not mean. It was simple and perhaps, my above reaction unwarranted. However, the danger was in its subtlety. I knew. And I was right.

“I am a really bad partner until I finish my divorce. I truly apologize for that.

We need to sit down and talk. I really, really appreciated your effort to have a light and joyful relationship on Sunday and yesterday. I know it was a big effort for you and I really enjoyed it. However, I know you have feelings and I have not been dealing with them and we need to understand if what I can do at the moment makes you happy.”

Let’s stop here and just talk in person! I like you too much to risk another misunderstanding.”

Like? What happened to all of the “loves” . . the “love you’s” I never trusted?

I pressed for a phone call. He refused to speak about the above. “I don’t like speaking on the phone. Let’s speak in person.” I prodded. He’s away through next week and I refused to be left questioning, miserable, broken. Suspended in a relationship with someone who was already emotionally gone.

I’m not sure how I succeeded but I did. And this is what I learned:

  1. My being open, light, and passionately sexual, ironically, made him realize how much of an ass he is. Giving him what we wanted forced him to admit he could not do the same. His first admission to his not being loving.

Sunday was an amazing emotionally feat for me. I will expand in a separate post, but I have Esther Perel “Mating in Captivity” and my mother to thank. They allowed me to change my perspective and put aside the hurt, the longing for intimacy, connection, etc. We were that jealousy-inducing couple at Perry Street. The couple cab drivers hate. The evening was as passionate as when we first met, if not more.

I left. Refused to spend the night. He wrote that I was the guy, he the girl. I felt in control. Safe, happy, and open. Monday Night – repeat.

What was unexpected was his reaction. My actions changed him. My physical actions drew the parallel to the lack of commitment and emotional intimacy. I am not sure if this is in opposition to “Mating in Captivity” to which I so resonate . . but illuminating nonetheless.

To be continued . .

Childlike dates make magic

Magnetic. So often I am turned to for dating advice and thought I’d share my past weekend here. We went to Soho to watch the Derby. I arrived late as my love affair with my yoga class on Saturdays is a high, an addiction, I am unwilling to sacrifice. So, when I was dating Mr. Hot Simple I was hit on everywhere I went, oddly with him nearby. I found it strange, but then I realized that with him, I always smiled. I was comfortable, myself. So, smile.

There was a man with haunting blue eyes and an accent that made me sigh. From Cape Town his energy was different from the men of New York, his wit unparalleled. The lounge allowed dogs and I concocted a plan that we should steal his friend’s. With a note of course. No reason to make someone’s heart palpitate. Of course, Sunday I receive a text: “Our plan of attack will need to be well orchestrated. Probably responsible for us to meet to discuss our strategy?” And one thing led to the next. And we went exploring for a discrete place to have drinks. 6 seats. And six hours of nonstop laughter. A cartoon like menu for the drink specials. We had a coloring contest. He won. His prize, me doing a handstand and scorpion pose from yoga. Of which I still owe him. Tonight we are doing dinner.

So point is, smile, laugh, have fun. Bring out the best in someone. Be truly interested in who they are. And what makes them tick.

x

Sexless Relationship

Remember A? Teterboro Awaits and  the one with whom I awaited vulnerability, emotional intimacy, continuity. My steps and breaths now in New York find themselves alongside his. My nights, more often than not, are next to him in his lush bed. His arms wrapped around me, with my dog, we are now a family. . . . to be continued