That elusive thing called “chemistry”

I am renaming Soulmate to Rediscoveringme because he is not my Soulmate and that I know. However, he was the one that awoke my soul. Quieted the frustration in my decision to be alone. Reaffirmed my decision to not date the great men that would make amazing companions.

I believe last night I was torn, feeling that I had closed my heart to the world. As if I was guilty of the accusations that I keep a fortress around me, perhaps I do, but the walls crumble when someone makes my heart skip a beat.

So, Rediscoveringme just left. When I wrote him that I was conflicted last night, he replied with the most perfect answer of wanting to see me today, not with expectations or to tear off my clothes, but to hear my thoughts. I have only seen him four times now, yet his comment reminded me of what I felt when I first spent time with him.

And again, I feel my role in his life is similar to his in mine. We are each others’ mirror and in it, we see what we already know. I still barely know him.

Yet tonight, I believe I almost made him cry. Earlier I told him what I expressed below. I wonder why this stranger is the one with whom I can share my emotions. And I believe everyone’s goal when dating and meeting someone should be to experience such. I don’t recommend pouring out your heart or unleashing a tirade of emotions, but I believe our goal should be to be “real.”

What makes a date great? What is behind this connection we are all searching for?  What are the date topics and conversations that will elicit such?

I think back to the common link between the men that have given me butterflies over the years. Beyond initial attraction, it was a feeling of shared interests, seeing myself in them, imaging my desired life synergistic with theirs (more to come on this), and always, seeing through a certain exterior that they were generous and had a heart full of feelings (ie. That they are contemplative and not permanently on a high,in in a non-affected, “manly” state. As if, clicking with them would open a world of intimacy and sharing of our deepest thoughts.)

It’s not as simple as a man who makes me laugh or who is intriguing, active, or ambitious.

I think my next post should be “drawing Attainingme’s Mr. Right”, specifying what traits I believe my desired mate has . . .

Is there a common link between the people you have fallen for?

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My soul called and yours answered.

Closing off. No anger. No pain. I feel as if I was about to take off on a jet—an adventure awaiting me. No initial awkward dance or introductory period—it seemed to have been covered all within the first hour. That hour putting an end to my resistance, my moral dialogue, my knowledge of the emotional consequences that awaited me only. It was all lost as the sun set Friday night- the sky, a fanciful pink.

In my apartment as I stood pressed against his body, my mind still high from our conversations, my body calmed with pleasure, I looked at his omniscient eyes and felt as if I was exactly where I was supposed to be. As if I just discovered a part of me that was missing. It wasn’t that I pictured a future or felt that I found the one, but I felt as if I found the one “right now.” As if in this moment, our souls fit together like two long lost puzzle pieces. How I didn’t know I much I needed him, but I did.

Now, 4 days later. I feel as I am on the tarmac-watching the jet take off. The whirlwind adventure that could have been, becoming a single memory. Nothing more than a night of wonderful dreams. My desire to see him taking on indifference. I am ok with this. No frustration that normally accompanies liking someone and realizing that it doesn’t have the effortless energy that comes with falling in love or finding the one. Past memories of feeling my heart throbbing for no good reason over someone that could have been, but never was.  Now though, my heart still completely intact.

However, I can recognize that I cannot recall a time when I felt my soul found a match until now. I once met a man I felt I was going to or could marry. But Rediscoveryme makes me realize that my soul just found something it never has. I cannot help but read and think of him. Imagine excursions. My mind noting our conversation. Everything seems to remind me of him. How can one night form such a basis? How can a few hours of conversation touch me in so many ways?