This movie I am in . .

My life has been a movie. Moments, experiences in months past seem but a dream. I feel as if I am a voyeur looking back at them. I don’t believe it was me actually breathing within them.

And i sit now. Yesterday’s departure of someone leaves my heart heavy. My hand extends to reach for his, to hold his in mine. Now I would grasp so tight, that I wouldn’t be without, that he couldn’t have left and said goodbye.

My steps are now two. The first time in a month since our meeting. He is halfway around the world now. Seemingly unreachable and almost unimaginable. Without the photos, it would be but a dream. I miss him.

Breaking in

5:00 am

Police just came into my apartment through a window. I woke up as they were trying to get in. I am fucking terrified. My heart feels like it is going to beat out of me. At the same point, I have never felt so alive. I feel tears on my face— not ones of emotion, but physical. This is so weird. I guess the alarm was going off in my building and they saw the light on in my room and climbed up here on the roof. My poor little heart. I can now understand how people can have heart attacks out of shock. I am rambling because I am most definitely, in shock. 

I looked into your eyes and I saw myself

In response to Cremolloquareterpony’s comment about  “My soul called and yours answered.” I would like to dedicate a post. 

Cremelloquarterpony says: ” Soulmates exist! I encountered a soulmate horse years ago and I had the experience you described above… I looked into that horse’s eyes and I just KNEW who/what it was. That experience helped me to understand that if I can find my soulmate horse, well the soulmate guy is going to show up sooner or later as well! We just have to allow the belief that it could happen is all.”

This is an email I wrote describing the day I met Ofeo. And while the email is about the place, beautiful Lake Como, Ofeo was responsible for making this experience reach every part of me and affect the deepest confines of my soul. This photo I will always love-  his eyes and the memories of a day where my soul ran free and why I love horses. 


An email I wrote on 7/25/07

Como was amazing. It was absolutely beautiful, relaxing– everything I wanted for my few resting days. I went horseback riding in the hills of Como with some locals and saw things that were extracted from another time. No roads and only one could guess how people even get to these houses. The lawns/flowers were magnificent- reminiscent of a mansion’s landscaping and then in lieu of an estate there would be a tiny dilapidated stone house. Some without windows. Similar to the old stone houses you will find on a hike, yet they were inhabited. The Italians sitting on the porch next to each other. A dog running around barking, a goat, a pig, a strange foreign animal I can’t place . . .

Point is, it was surreal. And then to bond with Italian girls, none of whom spoke English, over the commonality of being able to really ride a horse.  We went to this clearing and took turns galloping in circles. 2 people would go around two times and another two would follow. It was like some beautifully coordinated relay race. 

And then the feeling of galloping on a horse- one of my favorite feelings in the world. Meditative, freeing and still, yet flying. Very cool.

The cadence of a routine and a handsome foreign encounter

This morning I stood at my row of windows, watching the sun’s reflection on the soothing ocean. The beach speckled with footprints, but with no one in sight. This beach is unswimmable and as such, is most often empty. I contemplated my evening as I leave tomorrow for new york. Perhaps I shouldn’t go to skibow class. Perhaps I should run now instead of my normal routine.. My dog whimpered anticipating his morning walk, which would take place either way. 

I thought about whether I would swim today and decided to put my bikini bottoms on under my shorts, stuffing my small top into my purse. The decision was made. I would grab my towel, dog, sketchbook, two phones, book and credit card. Man, how I love my mornings. And yes, I still am going to work ……

I smiled at the tranquility, at the ocean, at this jewel of a life I have here. I feel like it is my little personal belonging, and only I have ownership. 

I go to starbucks at that hotel next door, and peruse the spansih paper. Practicing my spanish did not make the cut for this mornings activities (writing this did) and I would not be purchasing it. As the cashier said, “good morning, what would you like” I said “grande americano,” my usual. The barista excitedly retorted, “I am already making it!!!!” I smiled. The joy of familiarity in life. 

I now lay on the beach by the hotel, playing with the sand beneath my toes. There are few others here- but as I approached, I know that it is mine. In a few hours, it will be littered with locals and the hotel guests, distinguished by their white chairs, their sign of superiority. When I came on Sunday I helped myself to a white chair, pleased that no one said anything. I still am a gringa I suppose.

So I will lay or sit here every morning. My activity varies between emails, practicing spanish, writing, reading, and swimming, yesterday swimming with my dog (ps he is 4 lbs). I wish I could shove all of the above into the hour I have here. Its a moment I long to hold on to …..

 (Side note: three attractive men just came to jump into the ocean after their working out. My dog, went over and nuzzled up to one as he lay on the beach. His wet swim trunks acting as a cold reprieve from the hot sun. I laced my top and took off my shirt. The intention was to grab my dog and go into the ocean. I said I think he likes you better than me. And the man looked up, his eyes pierced me with their lightness against his latin face. He smiled and had teeth like a movie star. I can’t recall the last time I saw real teeth and thought about them as something so beautiful- smiles, yes- teeth, no. “No hablo ingles.” He said to me. I searched to say what I said in Spanish- now it comes easily, however then I stumbled. To write for me is one thing, to say, another. He spoke to me and I would answer. Not sure if I was answering a completely separate question. I asked him if he lives here and I think he said no he works and exercises and then later something about in front of el bombero-fireman?) After a few strained moments I ventured into the water, holding my dog on my shoulder. I don’t really know what was said as he walked towards me in the water, but I realized, he was asking me to take his number. Asking me if I come here everyday as if now, he would join me. At this moment, I melt ….I leave to new york tomorrow, but I assure you, I will be here in the morning …) Could I fall in love with someone who speaks not a word, and I mean Nada ingles?


the cadence of routine to be continued .. Time to swim and go to work. 

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