how to deal with boys – High functioning robotics

The boy I like. The Boy that occupies my thoughts asked a few weeks ago if I was a “high functioning robot” — the meaning initially eluded me. It wasn’t until I relayed the comment to a girl friend that it became clear. Her response, “you have an ability to compartmentalize everything.” While I refrained from paining her with the very female analysis of a boy’s words, the analysis was evident. For the primary difference between us and robots are emotion, right?

So emotionless me sits here, full of emotion. He’s traveling. No words in days. I see him on emails. I see him online. I asked a simple question, “when do you return?” to no response.

And I hurt. And he hasn’t the slightest clue.

The idiocy of us has pained me from the beginning. The same story lives within these pages. Future partners, not. But we pursue and decide to dance.

It started as the beautiful pain of vulnerability. The typical tango of misperceptions ensued. Accusations that made my emotions run and my mind stay. He is after all a perfect summer cocktail, a complex concoction and a down ecstasy pillow in one. Refreshing, alien brilliant, and mind-blowing.

xx emotionless me

The difference is not in lack of emotion, but my own perception of what one deserves to know. I believe there is no greater gift than giving your emotions and this I hold close. A boy who occupies thoughts does not deserve this. And this is how I operate and seemingly float.

The other side of the coin is one of bravery. A beautiful poem I read tonight about vulnerability. “there is nothing, nothing so brave, as to allow yourself complete vulnerability”- tyler knott gregson So my strength is also my failing . . . it always is.

i get it now

When otherwise insignificant events all of a sudden amount to a moment. A moment when life grabs you by your ankles and you find yourself upside down.

The beautiful sadistic support of life.