This movie I am in . .

My life has been a movie. Moments, experiences in months past seem but a dream. I feel as if I am a voyeur looking back at them. I don’t believe it was me actually breathing within them.

And i sit now. Yesterday’s departure of someone leaves my heart heavy. My hand extends to reach for his, to hold his in mine. Now I would grasp so tight, that I wouldn’t be without, that he couldn’t have left and said goodbye.

My steps are now two. The first time in a month since our meeting. He is halfway around the world now. Seemingly unreachable and almost unimaginable. Without the photos, it would be but a dream. I miss him.

Seeing me

If only you knew the thoughts I think of you. As we run, your steps behind me, my uncle’s words scroll through my mind. How much you awoke me? No one has affected me as you did. And you have no clue. Newly single. My S. I filed my feelings for you many months ago. But they remain proven by the color of  my cheeks and the light in my eye when I speak of you . . .

And now you are here. And my words locked. My heart longs for us to get to know each other without the dance we once danced. The me you misread. Hopes that rooms will be filled with our laughter, that you will see the me that everyone else sees. I remember your head on my lap, the ocean screaming in through my windows, my fingers tracing letters, S + D on your perfectly scuplted back. A moment has never been so intimate as hours past, and words not said. I loved you in that moment. But it was post our sealed fate.

Now I think about tonight. A run should the rain not recommence. And I think of the girl that shows up at your door. And I wonder is it the girl that people fall for? Or in the process of hiding, masking my once hurt heart, I am someone else . . .

I can only hope that I deliver me. That our friendship grows. My faith is in timing, for ours is not now. I am gone too much and you too newly single. To the exploration of ourselves, in seeing through our friendship if their is an us beyond what never was.

I looked into your eyes and I saw myself

In response to Cremolloquareterpony’s comment about  “My soul called and yours answered.” I would like to dedicate a post. 

Cremelloquarterpony says: ” Soulmates exist! I encountered a soulmate horse years ago and I had the experience you described above… I looked into that horse’s eyes and I just KNEW who/what it was. That experience helped me to understand that if I can find my soulmate horse, well the soulmate guy is going to show up sooner or later as well! We just have to allow the belief that it could happen is all.”

This is an email I wrote describing the day I met Ofeo. And while the email is about the place, beautiful Lake Como, Ofeo was responsible for making this experience reach every part of me and affect the deepest confines of my soul. This photo I will always love-  his eyes and the memories of a day where my soul ran free and why I love horses. 

 

An email I wrote on 7/25/07

Como was amazing. It was absolutely beautiful, relaxing– everything I wanted for my few resting days. I went horseback riding in the hills of Como with some locals and saw things that were extracted from another time. No roads and only one could guess how people even get to these houses. The lawns/flowers were magnificent- reminiscent of a mansion’s landscaping and then in lieu of an estate there would be a tiny dilapidated stone house. Some without windows. Similar to the old stone houses you will find on a hike, yet they were inhabited. The Italians sitting on the porch next to each other. A dog running around barking, a goat, a pig, a strange foreign animal I can’t place . . .

Point is, it was surreal. And then to bond with Italian girls, none of whom spoke English, over the commonality of being able to really ride a horse.  We went to this clearing and took turns galloping in circles. 2 people would go around two times and another two would follow. It was like some beautifully coordinated relay race. 

And then the feeling of galloping on a horse- one of my favorite feelings in the world. Meditative, freeing and still, yet flying. Very cool.