I long for one more dance

Text from Caballito: “I guess you don’t want to see me anymore, right? I will stop insisting eventually don’t worry . .  . ”  

My companion. The smiles, the ease, the comfort and the dances– the memories remain. The words on this blog cement them. The emotions I survived, the attachment to a connection that remains unparalleled. A connection that was never intended to be more. 

And a text received Sunday. I do want to see him. I feel his longing, his missing me. But my life no longer affords him a window. Perhaps, the window will reopen. But the longing is what I find most intriguing. For my emotions past written are now his.

Timing. Sliding doors. Life. And I think of S. And the Impulsive Gentlemen. And a pile of coins. Hands. Time. Options.

Love and lust. An exploration continues.

I hesitate to write for I wish I could pen a fairytale. This does have the makings, but I pulse the brakes. Create a million stops, hoping I will catch up–but so many miles lie between your emotions and mine.

. . . I am not sure what it is I have learned, but I am learning. Every night he asks me the same thing, and my response remains. “It’s a possibility.”

It is too soon. And that he knows. What if I said yes– that I would marry him. What then? I would wear a ring and he would gain some sense of being able to maintain the happiness that has permeated his life?

Falling in love is a cathexis and if ever, this is one to note.  His words echo mine of S. And I realize that the act of falling in love, the lust, is much about feeling one with the other. Feeling complete, a superior you. He has changed at work and has closed a deal a day since we met. He stands taller. He wakes up earlier. Healthier. He feels like a better person. Effortless. High.. Genuine. This cathexis. This falling in love. I am the most important thing to hm. The feelings so deeply felt they need not be questioned, he wants to marry me, and would tomorrow.
My life is full of my passions and many of which are his, albeit dormant. And I suspect that when you meet someone who brings you closer to your own values, your own desired self, the feeling of love pervades.

I am the most important thing in his life right now and I feel it every moment, so much so. It is painful. This week was spent sharing time with friends, mine and his. We shared an evening with my colleague, T, the one person who is akin to family, the person who I believe my path thus far was intended to meet.

He had just arrived from a long five day love affair, although the lover is in New York, a relationship unfeasible, but it was a weekend of intimacy and passion at its best. We spoke about how difficult it was and the Impulsive Gentleman interjected, “That’s how I feel but there is no water in between. Every night I go to bed and I long for her (me) and she is within a drive’s reach, but I can’t see her.” The pain of which this was said was incredible..

I am continuing the process of getting to know him. I love the time we spend together, but it is not lust, not close. I laugh and find myself at ease. a slowly growing love. With his heels over his head, everyday is me pressing the brakes. Everyday is a mix of suffocating and enjoying. I find it curious. This gradual accumulation of feelings, my antiquated belief was in instantaneous.

His only goal is to make me the happiest woman for the rest of his life. He is patient and lacks frustration. This I admire, but I am mixed with doubt and concern that I don’t crave him enough ….

We will see. For now I unpack the dozen roses I just received,

Missed connections

I saw you as I left the gym last night. You were on the phone and nodded to me and kissed me on the cheek as if we were acquaintances. My intuition sensed a wall and one not of a man trying to create a distance. Perhaps, my ego chose what I sensed, but it seemed as if you care, as if you couldn’t bear to look at me. I told you the story of the ring two nights ago. My honest feelings regarding the new man. For you are a true friend now, right?

When I told you, you thought I was dating someone at the gym. It explained so much . . .  Many of your misperceptions regarding me were corrected. And I think your heart longed. But, then you told me you were looking to switch jobs. And I know that means, bigger and better. Europe, New York, anywhere. PR is no longer the answer for you. You will leave. And you have no ties to anything. And it will remain as such. And I believe we still both care. That we both have lingering feelings. But they will remain, lingering. 

My heart will always remember you. The instant attraction I felt, the respect. But, our paths will not form one. Mere interceptions. Friendships. Business. Nothing else. Of that, I am becoming more sure. ]

I am becoming more drawn to the man who is emotionally available- the Impulsive Gentlemen. I am reevaluating my desired partner. And while my feelings are addictive-like in their nature to you- they will end there.

I found this. I wrote it 2 weeks after we started seeing each other> I woke up at 6am. And I almost left your apartment without a goodbye. I wrote this instead. It echoes that of which was our end . . 



“I apologize for my departure. I leave and I contemplate shutting the door and never reopening it. For the first time, I do this despite my attraction, to all facets of you, remains unchanged.

And you, you do everything that qualifies as a man pursuing and engaged. Daily phone calls, allowances, and shifts of priorities (with I winning) late night convos, undivided attention 

Perhaps my senses have identified something missing. I just wonder if it from you or I? Perhaps, I don’t feel you like me and am failing to see those eyes that say such. Well, really like. I am not so insecure that I question your actions. I do know you care. But I also know between us lies a great divide. Maybe I am just too out of practice, maybe too vulnerable to play this game in the unknown. Perhaps I need too much assurance. Need to see you fall. Perhpas, I am too used to seeing people fall.
I believe in efforetless. And my mind recalls your eyes in each time I would start to speak. Sitting across the dining room working on our respective computers, with each opening word, however silly, you would turn off the music and just listen. Your eyes piercing me 

I honestly have no idea what I am feeling. Perhaps it is fight or flight. Perhaps I . . . 
I am at a loss. Unzipped. I say too much. Too soon. I want to retract. I suppose I still feel tested.. We are sleeping together now, but deep down I feel I failed. I don’t enjoy this scrutiny and while you are a man I would be proud to call mine and while you are someone who could potentially be the             , I go now.

I close the door and I realize perhaps this is the natural dynamic of man and woman. As much as you r straightforward, not playing games, my subconscious is engaging me to be hunted. For isn’t this the true bait ..

Whatever. X”