Puppeteer

36 red roses sit in front of me, bought by me, for A’s place. I am staying with him in New York and although, we met six months ago, I still await passion, vulnerability and nuances of emotions being splayed.

I am, however, still drawn. Still happy being in his presence. Drawn to his bed, to his body, despite how foreign. As if we are buddies, intrigued by each other but not crazed. Oddly, I don’t fear losing feelings. Perhaps those feelings are not ones of lust, not heightened, but they are safe. I really like him. I will not find myself in a month’s time playing puppeteer, holding the strings to his heart.

This provides comfort and elation for I am THE puppeteer. My hands fumble strings knotted as hearts decide that I am simply too busy. It pains me and I wonder if this is the source of the oddity between A and I. It’s as if I am too much a man. Too in control. Not soft. Emotional or vulnerable.

And then there is my mind’s match. I met him a week ago and as he told a common friend, I want to cuddle with her brain. I too want to cuddle with his. Talk to him every moment, but my friends assure me, it’s just a crush. I suppose we aren’t your standard deviation, perfect match . . .

So now not only am I once again living parallel lives, the New York girl and the one in Puerto Rico, I am living subparallels. The girl I am with My Mind’s Match is a girl that sleeps with A, dormant traits. I am a combination of too many people in one body and a puppeteer no less.

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but of course . . .

I transition back to New York, I open doors and prove my value, perhaps, just to say goodbye with a I don’t need you, you need me. Time will tell.  This is my professional life at the moment.

My love life is becoming but a joke. A client asked me yesterday, I am sure you had many valentine’s. And I could only laugh and decline comment.
It is only 11 this morning and four correspondences with hearts pointed in my direction . .

From Jonas:

“I  miss your company, talking to you, going somewhere with you, being in bed with you. You really are my muse, you inspire me.”

From my ex:

Quoted, Una Palabra

“If one day you need me, I will be nothing
And at the same time I will be everything
Because in your eyes are my wings
And the shore where I drown,
Because in your eyes are my wings
And the shore where I drown”

A.

Is in Australia. He looks for moments, hidden minutes, updates me on itinerary. The past two weeks have brought us together. Have connected us. I think we may be dating. It offers me highs and butterflies. But, I am all too aware, that relatively, he offers me nothing. When one is used to scraps, an offered bite, is blessed . . Keep perspective. We will see. But, I am happy . . .

I think he is finally falling for me, my darling.

But of course, a stolen kiss from a new player, Genius, and I realize the ironic possibility of hurting A. who was so emotionally caught off.

And oh, there’s more, I am supposed to have dinner with another . . .