Almost my better half-
My thoughts are devoted to you right now. I am trying to not think about you, let my thoughts just be. But your eyes and your words are too distracting. I hear the charming words, I see you on top of me as you pinned my arms and tried to tickle me, I see you next to me in the car, staring and touching my beauty marks, I feel the heat of your body as we passed each other in the gym, touched lightly and made everyone take note that perhaps someone had me, I feel your hands on my hips as you taught me balloneta, your fingers on my lips as your attempted to teach my tongue how to roll it’s r’s. The many moments of silence as your listened to me and always digested my words, pausing before you spoke. Truly soaking in the minutia of what I said. My heart hurts with these memories. My heart hurts more with the knowledge of what could have been.
My girlfriend’s words last night on how much she likes you, how great you are. I could only think in anger then that she should have been using past-tense. I felt she was not helping. How attractive you are. What a gentlemen. Yes, I know. I said. Can’t we just focus on how him and I were not right?
I wonder now if that was truly our end. “Take care Smith”. (Substitute Smith for my last name, which is what he called me) I wonder where you are in this moment. Your childhood friend/other business partner is visiting and your itinerary is booked. I imagine you laughing, enjoying. I sit typing, hearing the crashing of the ocean. My lights dim as a second light has met its end in the 24 hours since ours. Perplexed at how I change these lights that are 14 feet above me. I wish our end had a solution—was simply challenging but fixable, like this hard to reach light fixture.
For now, I will sit in darkness, the white saliva of the ocean as the light to this dark.
My ocean before the darkness:
Closing off. No anger. No pain. I feel as if I was about to take off on a jet—an adventure awaiting me. No initial awkward dance or introductory period—it seemed to have been covered all within the first hour. That hour putting an end to my resistance, my moral dialogue, my knowledge of the emotional consequences that awaited me only. It was all lost as the sun set Friday night- the sky, a fanciful pink.
In my apartment as I stood pressed against his body, my mind still high from our conversations, my body calmed with pleasure, I looked at his omniscient eyes and felt as if I was exactly where I was supposed to be. As if I just discovered a part of me that was missing. It wasn’t that I pictured a future or felt that I found the one, but I felt as if I found the one “right now.” As if in this moment, our souls fit together like two long lost puzzle pieces. How I didn’t know I much I needed him, but I did.
Now, 4 days later. I feel as I am on the tarmac-watching the jet take off. The whirlwind adventure that could have been, becoming a single memory. Nothing more than a night of wonderful dreams. My desire to see him taking on indifference. I am ok with this. No frustration that normally accompanies liking someone and realizing that it doesn’t have the effortless energy that comes with falling in love or finding the one. Past memories of feeling my heart throbbing for no good reason over someone that could have been, but never was. Now though, my heart still completely intact.
However, I can recognize that I cannot recall a time when I felt my soul found a match until now. I once met a man I felt I was going to or could marry. But Rediscoveryme makes me realize that my soul just found something it never has. I cannot help but read and think of him. Imagine excursions. My mind noting our conversation. Everything seems to remind me of him. How can one night form such a basis? How can a few hours of conversation touch me in so many ways?