The remote chance of an us

I often post moments. Snapshots of my life. Perhaps, it is time to share more. Provide some links. Although, it will not be now. But, I will share this.

As I ride the emotional rollercoaster that is Caballito, many are riding the rollercoaster that is me. I will update the cast to this extent, but I am held awake, with an overdue response to a particular email.

KidRobot-the friend I have had for the longest in New York.

It was 2004, I was walking to my Vespa. The treelined streets of Carroll Gardens. Tall, dark, and handsome, he was walking a black lab. We passed eachother. Ten steps later. We both turned around. I was smitten. We dated. He was in the process of getting divorced and I turned my emotions off deciding we were brought together for “support.” I was dealing with an addiction and he, a newfound freedom. He loved me, he said. His emotions given, but met my deaf ears and walled heart. Drama was our parting. Reconnected as friends. He had fallen in love again. Then, I was living in Florida- a three day business trip turned into two months. We spoke and we flirted, shared. I dreamed. And fell.

Fell hard. Down. When I returned to New York, he was an emotional disaster from his break up. One I thought he had long before. Many years as friends thereafter. Last year, we went to Tulum, a group of friends. He told me he never stopped loving me. We returned to New York. And the foundation that was my life had crumbled. I shut off. Easier to fall alone. And took this job in Puerto Rico. This year he came to California with me for Christmas. And said, he felt like he came home for the first time. We slept in the same bed. Side by side for a week. An arm was not even placed around me.

And on December 30th I returned to PR. A package was sent. A card and Tuesday morning, the morning after my fight with Caballito, an email of which I will provide tidbits:

” . . . On one hand I feel tough, complete, whole but at the same time very vulnerable – especially with you. I feel so cliche, like one of your many guy friends “bearing his feelings” or telling you how “you’re the one” – I never really went that far because of listening to you and being afraid to end up just being another guy who bears his feelings  . .

I broke up with Julia and sabotage things not because I am relationship adverse or because I don’t want to be close to anyone, but because if there’s a chance somehow of us, I want to keep myself open – for that chance, however remote it often seems to be. . . 

I know this sounds like ranting but I say this because I feel like I am trying to run away from feelings, trying to avoid feeling a certain way because I am terrified. I am terrified by what will happen, by what will happen to us – and by what you will say. . . . 

I say this because I am terrified to discover the truth about myself and about you.”


7 thoughts on “The remote chance of an us

  1. !!!!!!

    Those are the moments one dreams of… now what are you to do??

    I once passed a guy on the stairs of the tube in London. We both turned around at the exact same moment, introduced ourselves, and looked longingly into each other’s eyes…

    and then my mom pulled me away.

    Moral of the story: Don’t take your college graduation vacation with your mom.

  2. would be totally smitten by an email like that. it’s careful territory though. just make sure he’s not putting you up on pedestals. i had a guy like this once that did not turn out so romantically well. not in love with me.. in love with the idea of me.

  3. How can you swim in the waters if you never are brave enough to jump in?

    You are friends, you are mature adults and you both seem to have this pull towards one another. If you don’t do it, you will always be asking yourself “what if”. That is not something that can be easily lived with.

  4. I would feel both like floreta and Brigid… like a huge push-pull between being careful and jumping in to the deep end of the pond. I don’t know what I’d chose, but I know I would probably find it both exhilarating and exhausting. Sigh… fresh lovey/lusty feelings.

  5. And again with your power over men. Be wary of it. Something in this is not right by your telling. I’m inclined to agree with Floreta — he seems to love the idea of you. That’s well enough and good for the blogging world. Altogether dangerous in real life.

    And, I think, you have answered your own feelings about him already. If I’m reading this right.

  6. LiLu-you never fail to make me laugh. Thank you.

    Floreta- i believe you may be right. Ironically, he is the first man that told me people are only in love with the idea of me. Observations are often one’s own perception of one’s self.

    Brigid- You are very right. I would hate to look back ten years from now and wish, wish that I was with someone like him. I also think that we could pursue without harm, should his feelings be genuine. However, that I am not sure. I think i have become a symbol. The explanation to all. Maybe it not a pedestal, but it is just as precarious.

    DocE- yes a push/pull. For reasons not so obvious. And exhausting is right.

    Errant- The power only benefits should its affected be chosen.

    I believe the blogging world could be just as dangerous.

  7. Pingback: Everything Matters | Attaining the unattainable

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