The remote chance of an us

I often post moments. Snapshots of my life. Perhaps, it is time to share more. Provide some links. Although, it will not be now. But, I will share this.

As I ride the emotional rollercoaster that is Caballito, many are riding the rollercoaster that is me. I will update the cast to this extent, but I am held awake, with an overdue response to a particular email.

KidRobot-the friend I have had for the longest in New York.

It was 2004, I was walking to my Vespa. The treelined streets of Carroll Gardens. Tall, dark, and handsome, he was walking a black lab. We passed eachother. Ten steps later. We both turned around. I was smitten. We dated. He was in the process of getting divorced and I turned my emotions off deciding we were brought together for “support.” I was dealing with an addiction and he, a newfound freedom. He loved me, he said. His emotions given, but met my deaf ears and walled heart. Drama was our parting. Reconnected as friends. He had fallen in love again. Then, I was living in Florida- a three day business trip turned into two months. We spoke and we flirted, shared. I dreamed. And fell.

Fell hard. Down. When I returned to New York, he was an emotional disaster from his break up. One I thought he had long before. Many years as friends thereafter. Last year, we went to Tulum, a group of friends. He told me he never stopped loving me. We returned to New York. And the foundation that was my life had crumbled. I shut off. Easier to fall alone. And took this job in Puerto Rico. This year he came to California with me for Christmas. And said, he felt like he came home for the first time. We slept in the same bed. Side by side for a week. An arm was not even placed around me.

And on December 30th I returned to PR. A package was sent. A card and Tuesday morning, the morning after my fight with Caballito, an email of which I will provide tidbits:

” . . . On one hand I feel tough, complete, whole but at the same time very vulnerable – especially with you. I feel so cliche, like one of your many guy friends “bearing his feelings” or telling you how “you’re the one” – I never really went that far because of listening to you and being afraid to end up just being another guy who bears his feelings  . .

I broke up with Julia and sabotage things not because I am relationship adverse or because I don’t want to be close to anyone, but because if there’s a chance somehow of us, I want to keep myself open – for that chance, however remote it often seems to be. . . 

I know this sounds like ranting but I say this because I feel like I am trying to run away from feelings, trying to avoid feeling a certain way because I am terrified. I am terrified by what will happen, by what will happen to us – and by what you will say. . . . 

I say this because I am terrified to discover the truth about myself and about you.”


I am what I hate in men

I went to Matt Damon’s graduation dinner last night for his MBA. Quick recap: Matt Damon is one of those great guys I previously mentioned that I never allowed things to progress with. Yes, as currently discussed with Cindy and Cremello, risk of hurting him was too great. Traveling to Puerto Rico allowed me to avoid dealing with this situation. I suppose I believe it would dissipate; instead this is what has transpired:

Last time I was in New York, I truly enjoyed seeing him, which consists primarily of daytimes as we work from the same coffee shop in New York. I do love talking to him, and a dialog of whether I should give it a shot continues looping through my mind. However, in my gut, its not there . . . a lack of that sexual attraction, perhaps or my inability to see myself with him . . .

Regardless, during the last trip to the Island, I sent him an email containing some work-related mishaps we share during our days at the coffee shop and ended it with “I am thinking of you.” He responded I wish I was there too – I can’t imagine anything more perfect than holding you on the beach right now.  I’ll get down there soon enough” to which I responded, “I am imaging you here. I am so different here. I have been here all but three hours and I wish you knew the me that is here. I can’t wait for you to come. . . I don’t know why, but I am feeling inexplicably close to you these days . . “

Ok, I am an ASS.

In that moment, I did feel that. I promise. I could only think of all the conversations I love, the moments shared and didn’t think about how I was taking his heart into my possession. I am that horrible misleading girl. But I meant it :/

To which he respomded:

“So tell me about how Island Attainingme differs from New York Attainingme.

Does her lower lip still curl up when she pouts?  Does she still look amazing when she’s dressed for a meeting?  Does she still laugh at all her emails?  Does she still tell ridiculously involved stories that make me smile in disbelief?  Does she still look around aimlessly as she’s typing?  Does she still sound impressive when she’s negotiating on the phone? Does she still look back at me sheepishly with her beautiful eyes after I kiss her? “ Continue reading