To my almost . . .

Almost my better half-

My thoughts are devoted to you right now. I am trying to not think about you, let my thoughts just be. But your eyes and your words are too distracting. I hear the charming words, I see you on top of me as you pinned my arms and tried to tickle me, I see you next to me in the car, staring and touching my beauty marks, I feel the heat of your body as we passed each other in the gym, touched lightly and made everyone take note that perhaps someone had me, I feel your hands on my hips as you taught me balloneta, your fingers on my lips as your attempted to teach my tongue how to roll it’s r’s. The many moments of silence as your listened to me and always digested my words, pausing before you spoke. Truly soaking in the minutia of what I said. My heart hurts with these memories. My heart hurts more with the knowledge of what could have been.

My girlfriend’s words last night on how much she likes you, how great you are. I could only think in anger then that she should have been using past-tense. I felt she was not helping. How attractive you are. What a gentlemen. Yes, I know. I said. Can’t we just focus on how him and I were not right?

I wonder now if that was truly our end. “Take care Smith”. (Substitute Smith for my last name, which is what he called me) I wonder where you are in this moment. Your childhood friend/other business partner is visiting and your itinerary is booked. I imagine you laughing, enjoying. I sit typing, hearing the crashing of the ocean. My lights dim as a second light has met its end in the 24 hours since ours. Perplexed at how I change these lights that are 14 feet above me. I wish our end had a solution—was simply challenging but fixable, like this hard to reach light fixture.

For now, I will sit in darkness, the white saliva of the ocean as the light to this dark. 

 

 

My ocean before the darkness:dusk-on-oceanMy ocean the temptress

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I really behaved this year . . .

Upon reading the apple homepage, I saw “Have they been really good this year? Shop the online apple store.” I imagined the parents they were targeting. I envisioned myself with children as the holidays near, asking myself absurdly, “was little Attainingme really good this year?”

This lead me to wondering what exactly would distinguish a child being specifically great one year? A child who started exhibiting kindness, generosity, and focus? I would hope that these traits would be required and not distinguishable from year to year.

I realized the fallacy of really in this question. Really implying better, change. As such, I realized the change I truly want to reward and instill IS the ability for a child to change.
As habitual creatures, inability to change can lead to our defeat. Fear of failure, addiction, repeatedly procrastinating, repeated mistakes . . . What a great gift to give a child the power to reinvent . .
Now, I wonder what other things and lessons I want to teach my children. I recall as a child thinking I wish my parents knew this or that. And I can only imagine a parents’ worries and responsibilities makes it rather easy to lose sight of the larger goals, easily forgetting the small events and lessons that imprint on our children.

I think it would be interesting to make a list of the traits I want my children to have. To revisit such a list when I am in the throes of parenting would likely validate how difficult raising children is and perhaps, it would also remind the future me to not lose sight of the big picture.