The saga continues

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 Gudirr Gudirr (image courtesy of Ponch Hawkes) (Credit: ABC Licensed) 

 

A net sewn just in time. I remain entangled. The escape peers at me through the woven threads.

I still fail to understand his actions. I cannot help but feel as if he is intending to drive me away. Force my hand, unveil faults and drama. Problem is, I still love. And loving is none of the above.

I have an ability to understand the emotions that drive behavior. Perhaps, I am too close, but I cannot reconcile his words verses his actions. Insecurity, pain, walls, protection cannot explain. I rest on confusion. He’s checked out without being quite ready to lose me. I have him tethered as he has me. 

 

As with anything, the perceived games and continued pressure will force our undoing. I have asked for what I need. Pleaded to feel his supposed love. I will not complain at the lack of answering. There’s a fine line between fighting for love and being blind. I am no sadist. A new job, a new life awaits. As of now, I will let it engulf me. And I won’t let you find you. 

Breaking up – The slow end

“I cannot do this anymore”

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My friends comment how composed I am, how I don’t show emotion. I provide updates, my understanding of his actions, I show my frustration and, my clinging heart is exposed. But what they don’t see, what they don’t expect, is the moments here. At home. The minutes that have turned into hours that collectively may now add up to a day. The moments where I am paralyzed as the energies of my body are consumed by breaking my heart.

I hold my head in my hands, close my eyes, and search for an answer on what to feel. Trapped between words of love and actions that contradict, I straddle allowing the anger to consume me and move on, or the alternative, letting go with love. In one scenario, I fuck, I date, I write a story that has no second act. In the other, I embrace my individuality, cherish my friends, and remain emotionally and physically unavailable. Drawn to him. Ultimately. Remaining open to a future us.

I look at my phone. I acknowledge the game at play and my lack of understanding his motives as of yet. However, as each minute passes, as my eyes search around my room as if the answers could be found here, I embrace the anger for it is the only escape.

Memory Lane – What does love feel like?

A love once known. An email to a boyfriend 800 miles away. The one in my black and white avatar actually.

“I read this this morning and the result was just short of tears streaming down my face.

You have an unyielding presence in my thoughts and odd control over my breaths. You are responsible for so many of my smiles and so many moments of ease and laughter. Comfort– marked by bewilderment yet accompanied by a subtle uneasiness, for this is still all too amazing.

A part of me feels dormant when I am away from you. Although I enjoyably live in a world of imagination. Constantly daydreaming and imagining you in your element, in your world.

I am Lucky. Sad. Giddy. In love. With you.

I am sleepy today. Would love to nap with you and feel your warmth and listen as you inhale. That moment where we slow down our breaths as if we could pause time . . .
Am I seeing you this weekend? I really would like a little sun, you, oil, water, sex, naked, food, cocktails, sex, pool, beach, sex, you, kisses, naked, sex, sun, you.

kisses.

sex.
you.

lover, Attainingme”

The impermanence of love

I know now more than ever that you could be my forever.

I check my phone. To see if you had words to say. Lingering emotions that could not be contained. When nothing meets me, I realize that my heightened emotions are impermanent. Should days go by whereby they stay unanswered, walls will build. I will go.

An epic lesson in relationships – Part 1

I learned a shit ton this evening. I read his message at a marketing event this evening.

My lungs longed to collapse. Minutes that were languid and onerous turned into painful seconds; a thousand needles penetrated my skin as each one passed.

1, a thousand needles

2, a thousand needles

3, a thousand needles

4, a thousand needles

I doubted if I could survive five more minutes. Undeniably, thirty minutes would consume me.

I could imagine how one’s mind could become psychotic.

The message was not dramatic. Not mean. It was simple and perhaps, my above reaction unwarranted. However, the danger was in its subtlety. I knew. And I was right.

“I am a really bad partner until I finish my divorce. I truly apologize for that.

We need to sit down and talk. I really, really appreciated your effort to have a light and joyful relationship on Sunday and yesterday. I know it was a big effort for you and I really enjoyed it. However, I know you have feelings and I have not been dealing with them and we need to understand if what I can do at the moment makes you happy.”

Let’s stop here and just talk in person! I like you too much to risk another misunderstanding.”

Like? What happened to all of the “loves” . . the “love you’s” I never trusted?

I pressed for a phone call. He refused to speak about the above. “I don’t like speaking on the phone. Let’s speak in person.” I prodded. He’s away through next week and I refused to be left questioning, miserable, broken. Suspended in a relationship with someone who was already emotionally gone.

I’m not sure how I succeeded but I did. And this is what I learned:

  1. My being open, light, and passionately sexual, ironically, made him realize how much of an ass he is. Giving him what we wanted forced him to admit he could not do the same. His first admission to his not being loving.

Sunday was an amazing emotionally feat for me. I will expand in a separate post, but I have Esther Perel “Mating in Captivity” and my mother to thank. They allowed me to change my perspective and put aside the hurt, the longing for intimacy, connection, etc. We were that jealousy-inducing couple at Perry Street. The couple cab drivers hate. The evening was as passionate as when we first met, if not more.

I left. Refused to spend the night. He wrote that I was the guy, he the girl. I felt in control. Safe, happy, and open. Monday Night – repeat.

What was unexpected was his reaction. My actions changed him. My physical actions drew the parallel to the lack of commitment and emotional intimacy. I am not sure if this is in opposition to “Mating in Captivity” to which I so resonate . . but illuminating nonetheless.

To be continued . .

I tripped and my voice found me

Well, hello again. In an attempt to decipher my current emotions, my mind traveled to the cadence that propels me to write. A craving to purge words. A drug-like state. Calm, seductive. This is the closest I have felt to myself in forever. I love this me, as emotion-fueled, deep and introspective as she may be.

I play with the idea to write here again, regularly.  This is my first time returning since I last wrote. I feel like I’m an adult revisiting her childhood home. The trees in my backyard show my roots long forgotten, the walls whisper my dreams, and I see “me.”

I revisit posts and dust off memories of a life that doesn’t seem like mine. It confounds and intrigues me.  How am I so far removed from these stories? I locked away my past-life and forgot to visit.

In ten minutes, I have found the answer to the sea of questions that have plagued me for weeks; a reminder of the consequences of age, experience and “perspective.”

x

Deciding to reclaim your life

As summer comes to an end and events such as Hurricane Irene and random earthquakes mark moments that will forever be distinguished memories, I am left feeling a little untethered. I start the dialogue that summer has escaped me, that I’ve done nothing, but then my memory reminds me . . .

I live a life so many covet. If twitter followers are a mark of anything, in one week, moments, trips, meals and 6am cocktails are spent with “people” who cumulatively have over one million followers, and that’s just four of them. I laugh. I dance. I am proud of my business. My body. Grateful for my friends. But I float . . and I feel as if days pass and mean nothing. Perhaps, it’s that being single, now for an extended period, having a small company, and living away from my family leaves the life I live to be simply lonely. . . . but connection cannot be dependent on finding the one.

So here I am. Making a decision to reengage. With myself. And change my decisions. To start- instead of watching tv (mindless and unrewarding with the exception of the escape provided) I am writing. Thinking. Deciding to figure out how to use every moment to be more alive . . .