There is so much noise, it is silent. My mind is blank or is it everywhere? Currents of thoughts against a sea of nothing. Perhaps I am lost in the many days that pass. The sun’s risings each morning are becoming a blur and I, am no longer capturing them.

A return to dormant behaviors. And a necessary selfishness for those behaviors threaten me of drowning. The priority merely keeping afloat, functioning. My thoughts pass between men, my empty bank account, the proper solution, career, foundation, dreams and the few things that actually matter in life’s larger scheme … The issues conflicting and my mind, awash.

For simplicity, I will update “men” as this blog is chapters in and chapters behind.

Thoughts of S are fewer and farther between. I note that my thoughts have lingered longer than we were together. How amazing to be affected so much by somone with whom we were never an us. He told me three weeks ago that he was back with his ex. Glowing as he ran on the treadmill, he felt more connected to her than he has ever felt with anyone. A dagger in my heart. Although, jealousy escapes me. I am happy for him should his words be true. Caught actions since make me question those words, or perhaps, all men.

The impulsive gentlemen weighs on me. His words, “You are not ready for a relationship. You need a friend. I fear that in only wanting to make you happy, I have made you unhappier.” His words are true. The supposed pressure is gone, but with each invite, each told bottle of wine, and cooked meal I refuse, I cringe.
The lingering gentlemen, the love, his disappointment, it all pains me. To go through each day alone and have someone thinking of you every moment, who would give anything to be that companion you long for …

In recent days, words from ghosts pass fill my email box, KidRobot, Matt Damon. My signifcance hurts me.

I feel as I am surrounded by an impenetrable circle. My world is just me. The orbiting worlds breathe me, dream me while I can only breathe thoughts indistinct.


7 thoughts on “Currents

  1. Men seem to make things more complicated. I will say this from experience, as much as it sucks, it is better to not date while you are still “attaining you.” Men slow the process down.

  2. i would have to agree with ady =/ it seems like you need to fill yourself up more with YOU. self love and such. this burgeoning strength will bloom and blossom to an attractiveness men will love. live your life. that’s the most we can do.

  3. Men…as wonderful as they can be, are also buckets of trouble. I have had too many, will have tons more, in my life. I complicate things, but it’s like an addiction…

  4. I feel like you are describing what’s in my head/heart, it’s as if you were in my head and carefully typing out what I have been feeling/thinking lately. ofcourse if it was me trying to express the same thing, it would come out all wrong. I don’t know what to say, I don’t think anyone could really say anything that would make you feel better.. all I can is that I can completely relate to you..

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