Missed connections

I saw you as I left the gym last night. You were on the phone and nodded to me and kissed me on the cheek as if we were acquaintances. My intuition sensed a wall and one not of a man trying to create a distance. Perhaps, my ego chose what I sensed, but it seemed as if you care, as if you couldn’t bear to look at me. I told you the story of the ring two nights ago. My honest feelings regarding the new man. For you are a true friend now, right?

When I told you, you thought I was dating someone at the gym. It explained so much . . .  Many of your misperceptions regarding me were corrected. And I think your heart longed. But, then you told me you were looking to switch jobs. And I know that means, bigger and better. Europe, New York, anywhere. PR is no longer the answer for you. You will leave. And you have no ties to anything. And it will remain as such. And I believe we still both care. That we both have lingering feelings. But they will remain, lingering. 

My heart will always remember you. The instant attraction I felt, the respect. But, our paths will not form one. Mere interceptions. Friendships. Business. Nothing else. Of that, I am becoming more sure. ]

I am becoming more drawn to the man who is emotionally available- the Impulsive Gentlemen. I am reevaluating my desired partner. And while my feelings are addictive-like in their nature to you- they will end there.

I found this. I wrote it 2 weeks after we started seeing each other> I woke up at 6am. And I almost left your apartment without a goodbye. I wrote this instead. It echoes that of which was our end . . 



“I apologize for my departure. I leave and I contemplate shutting the door and never reopening it. For the first time, I do this despite my attraction, to all facets of you, remains unchanged.

And you, you do everything that qualifies as a man pursuing and engaged. Daily phone calls, allowances, and shifts of priorities (with I winning) late night convos, undivided attention 

Perhaps my senses have identified something missing. I just wonder if it from you or I? Perhaps, I don’t feel you like me and am failing to see those eyes that say such. Well, really like. I am not so insecure that I question your actions. I do know you care. But I also know between us lies a great divide. Maybe I am just too out of practice, maybe too vulnerable to play this game in the unknown. Perhaps I need too much assurance. Need to see you fall. Perhpas, I am too used to seeing people fall.
I believe in efforetless. And my mind recalls your eyes in each time I would start to speak. Sitting across the dining room working on our respective computers, with each opening word, however silly, you would turn off the music and just listen. Your eyes piercing me 

I honestly have no idea what I am feeling. Perhaps it is fight or flight. Perhaps I . . . 
I am at a loss. Unzipped. I say too much. Too soon. I want to retract. I suppose I still feel tested.. We are sleeping together now, but deep down I feel I failed. I don’t enjoy this scrutiny and while you are a man I would be proud to call mine and while you are someone who could potentially be the             , I go now.

I close the door and I realize perhaps this is the natural dynamic of man and woman. As much as you r straightforward, not playing games, my subconscious is engaging me to be hunted. For isn’t this the true bait ..

Whatever. X”


2 thoughts on “Missed connections

  1. There are a lot of thoughts and feelings going on … keep working though this, you will land … remember to not settle for that which is merely shines in the light and feels good in the moment, these things are a trick and will leave you wanting for more that can be given.

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