Just bring your passport. -the stranger.

I wonder what it is. I note a difference-one that transcends the now that is relevant.

A perfect weekend. My thoughts drifted to S but not without relief. A heart wasn’t pained, just pensive. This weekend isnt what I expected. A man who I have never before dated spontaneously invited me to the British Virgin Islands. Hours later we were in flight. I welcomed the adventure and the departure from thinking about S.

Now truly “what next?” is something I wonder- I am not sure. I am apprehensive. Commitphobic. I can continue and will, but without pressure, without being bound. As long as I can see where this goes before it involves rules. I now wear S’s shoes. I am the one that doesn’t want the tethers of a relationship with this new man.

 

virgingorda

I sit writing watching pelicans nosedive into brilliantly clear water. My toes crinkle the fine sand that engulfs them. It is Monday morning. He is in the room sleeping. We are in a famed romantic hotel on the the most amazing unspoiled island. This place secluded and exclusive. A truly special hotel. The spa perced on the mountain offered a blissful Sunday.

I feel extremely comfortable with this man, and more importantly, I am happy. But I question what home will bring. Could this be a relationship? I am not yet ready. With S, I never questioned. However, it was not effortless. The process was vulnerable. I believe we didn’t trust eachother, trust a future us.

The new relationship is intimate without pretense, comfort. But, how could it not be? A business lunch with a casual last minute invitation to an island I knew nothing of. Hours later I filled out one custom form per his deciding we were “married.” The holding hands and “dear” to play the part, soon became the norm. He kissed me later and every hour since has been as if this is the way it has always been. Him and I.

But I think of S. I think of my desire to not publicize this and be bound. And I think of the strangers’ comments on Friday just hours before I came to BVI. I spoke briefly of S and she noted how much he meant to me. How I changed when I said his name. How he clearly struck a chord with me and is in my heart. How right she was and is. I recall his words and take them for face value. “Take care Smith.” We have spoken regularly since. I question if it is out of courtesy. I desire to see him and say something. I am not ready to let my almost go and his actions tell me perhaps nor is he.

But a man would reverse an end not meant. I need to see him and close the door, to know if it is open for I return now, “married” in an effortless romance to whom I deem, the Impulsive Gentleman.

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5 thoughts on “Just bring your passport. -the stranger.

  1. Sounds like quite the adventure. You are right, the status of the door between you and S must be realized before you can truly venture forward and consider a future relationship with this impulsive gentleman.
    You state that you are comittaphobic which as you know is fear of commitment. We never truly operate well in fear. Time to replace that fear with love and trust in yourself. This is not to say that you run out and make a commitment, it is to say that you must trust your self to follow your intuitions and love your self. It is not commitment that you fear, it is fear of allowing yourself to love and be vunerable again. Vanquish your fears.

  2. I agree with tobeme, you need to get yourself sorted with S, otherwise Impulsive Gentleman may become a way for you to dullen the feelings with ‘unrequited love’. You have such a dramatic life, but I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. It must become tiring..

    All I know is that I bet you’re a beautiful woman, you’re very lucky to have men who treat you with such respect. One day I will find an Impulsive Gentleman of my own… or an S… or a bit of both?

    Greedy me 🙂

  3. i am a bit of a commitmentphobe too =/ at least right now..

    “could this be a relationship? I am not yet ready.”
    i think in many ways, it’s all about timing.

  4. Pingback: This is not fiction. “Engaged” or in spanish, “Comprometido” « Attaining the unattainable

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