To my almost . . .

Almost my better half-

My thoughts are devoted to you right now. I am trying to not think about you, let my thoughts just be. But your eyes and your words are too distracting. I hear the charming words, I see you on top of me as you pinned my arms and tried to tickle me, I see you next to me in the car, staring and touching my beauty marks, I feel the heat of your body as we passed each other in the gym, touched lightly and made everyone take note that perhaps someone had me, I feel your hands on my hips as you taught me balloneta, your fingers on my lips as your attempted to teach my tongue how to roll it’s r’s. The many moments of silence as your listened to me and always digested my words, pausing before you spoke. Truly soaking in the minutia of what I said. My heart hurts with these memories. My heart hurts more with the knowledge of what could have been.

My girlfriend’s words last night on how much she likes you, how great you are. I could only think in anger then that she should have been using past-tense. I felt she was not helping. How attractive you are. What a gentlemen. Yes, I know. I said. Can’t we just focus on how him and I were not right?

I wonder now if that was truly our end. “Take care Smith”. (Substitute Smith for my last name, which is what he called me) I wonder where you are in this moment. Your childhood friend/other business partner is visiting and your itinerary is booked. I imagine you laughing, enjoying. I sit typing, hearing the crashing of the ocean. My lights dim as a second light has met its end in the 24 hours since ours. Perplexed at how I change these lights that are 14 feet above me. I wish our end had a solution—was simply challenging but fixable, like this hard to reach light fixture.

For now, I will sit in darkness, the white saliva of the ocean as the light to this dark. 



My ocean before the darkness:dusk-on-oceanMy ocean the temptress


13 thoughts on “To my almost . . .

  1. this breaks my heart. I was in the same position 2 months ago. In some ways, I’m still the one sitting, typing. I have no words for you, though I wish I did.

    But I do know this: Life moves forward. If you two are to reunite, it will be in the future, not in the past. Head in that direction.

    Peace and Grace,
    -[a friendly drifter]

  2. sigh. i believe there is someone out there for each of us. the best you can do is live your life, and maybe someday someone will find themselves attracted to that, and want to live it with you. that’s what i keep thinking anyway..

  3. Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.
    Mother Teresa

    You too will be rewarded!


  4. Hey Attain…. don’t mean to hijack the thread to somthing it is not. Just wanted to respond to your reply to my thread…

    I watched the 50 People video. Fascinating. I like the style and cinematography. Got a pure simpleness to it. Clean yet honest. And ya, almost my exact question…. What if the day ended?

    Also read through some of your posts. Very inspiring. I am sitting here typing this watching my wife at her computer preparing for her day tomorrow with her clients. She is stunning. Even with her hair tied back. Especially with her hair tied back. Funny I should read the weaving thoughts of your post at moments when I can glance at her periodically and experience all she means to me.

    Life is pretty amazing and we know not where it leads us. I no longer believe we plan it…. rather it unfolds…. seemingly by some adaptng design.

    Will meander by more.



    Your writing is inspiring in letting the words and

  5. This makes my heart hurt too. I am in the same place… wishing it could be a simple fix. But sometimes… connections are just not right.


    Feelin’ you.

  6. I love this entry, you know how much I love your writing anyway. Funnily enough it reminds me of my own. Beautiful pictures, the aura fits with the mood of the post so well.

  7. Pingback: Just bring your passport. -the stranger. « Attaining the unattainable

  8. Americanising Desi- There is something freaky about the dark sea. And how did I add to the haunt of your night?

    Chase- I love this “Life moves forward. If you two are to reunite, it will be in the future, not in the past. Head in that direction.” So beautiful and true and something I may have to quote you on in the future.
    Thank you.

    Floreta- I reminded myself this last night. My colleague asked me if I fucked up with S. Commenting on my long string of men and I realized I have no regrets. I learn about myself from these relationships. I believe the right man will complement things and it working will not be dependent on if all right actions are taken.

    Doraz- well said. I will just smile at S when I see him and think of this.

    Chaz- I love you hijacking my post. I love your thoughts and have had to refrain from getting into your blog and getting lost in it while at work. Thank you for the compliment.

    T- I feel you often. Thank you so much. Sigh is right . . .

    Lilu, Chloe and Katie- Your words mean so much to me. I love writing and I love it for me, but sharing it with others is new. I remain stunned at it resonating with you guys. And am blushing as i write this . .

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