I hang up the phone.
My hands meet, half fist, half prayer position.
In front of my mouth, they try and quiet the emotions trying to escape.
My body quivers as a result of the imprisonment of my screams.
It is a high–or rather, a potential high. I hold onto this emotion. I imagine it in the future with more permanence. I want it to return. I want its catalyst to be real. I want what I have been working on for the past 12 months to work. I want this deal to close.
I know I have hinted at starting all over, another reinvention.
However, the past week has solidified my desire to continue to be in Puerto Rico. It has also reaffirmed how many things are right about my job and my life that accompanies it. The only thing lacking is daily passion.
I know my life needs to change to one where procrastination is not so tempting. All events and current messages in my life are pointing to such. A life where procrastination is replaced with dreaming and creating. A life with passion, where work is effortless . . .
Would not losing my job simply prolong my life of passion that awaits me?
I now realize that either way, passion and/or a reinvention is imminent. If our deal closes, my role is redefined. I step into the role that drew me to this industry of creation. The chapter of directing Finance will come to an end. If the deal does not close, I will have no choice to leave. My company will no longer be able to pay me.
However, my cells are ready to celebrate. I wish to tear off the tape around the boxed up excitement stuck in every cell of my body. I will jump, scream, and dance around the office. Open the champagne. Smile. Hug my colleagues. Build on what I have started as opposed to start over.
I am beginning to believe that this year may just be a new chapter, not a new book.