As 2008 came to an end, I anticipated a forced career reinvention to be the main theme of January 2009. I must admit, I was somewhat ashamed to find myself in this place again. However, I was also able to acknowledge that each reinvention has made me happier and introduced something amazing in my life. Last year, my reinvention brought balance and allowed me to leave New York, a place that is hard to move from and quite addictive in its nature. I never would have searched for a job elsewhere on my own. This reinvention seems to have a trajectory towards passion-at least that is where the signs are pointing.
However, 2009 has started and the career whirlwind is on hold (perhaps this week is the calm before the storm). Another storm is in full force though- and I believe every storm brings a lesson which has lead me back to read “Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl” from http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk.
This week has been peppered with a dichotomy and too much activity to ignore the irony. Caballito is away. Caballito is my FWB (I hate writing that because it’s hard to imagine us defined as such. When I am with him, it feels like so much more.) My heart feels that he truly likes me, and while perhaps he does, it is without question that he is a Mr. Unavailable. Our relationship fucking was preceded by, “I really like you. I don’t want to be your boyfriend, but I really want to fuck you.” I am still taken aback by those words. I am still stunned that he was right. And I believe we are both stunned that we have such an emotional connection. Perhaps I am naive though, so here is a list of emotions and unavailable traits:
HE HAS FEELINGS?:
When I called him yesterday (he is in Columbia) his friend answered the phone and told him that it was “Tu novia” (Your girlfriend”)
I spoke with him and he said how happy he was that I called. This has been continuous throughout his time there. He asked me to buy a phone card (I did not and decided to simply text which I don’t believe he is happy with.)
On Christmas he could not get off the phone with me and wished, genuinely, that I was there
He told me it bothered him, that we don’t have a plan and that we don’t know where this is going, That he is vulnerable and it bothers him. ( I believe we both discovered physical and emotional connections, and are yet to come to terms with the fact that we are quite the mismatched pair and the feasibility of actually being a couple)
He wants to see me every night.
He wishes I could go to his world (his work which is also his “family” and his passion. Much more than a job). I can’t because of politics.
HE IS MR. UNAVAILABLE:
He forgot to wish me happy birthday
We didn’t even entertain the idea of giving each other christmas gifts
As aforementioned, he told me initially he didn’t want to be my boyfriend
He is very fulfilled in his life and doesn’t seem to need and/or want someone
We have never done anything and/or gone on a date
More than what we does, is what he fails to do, emphasized by current events with other men.
This week has brought a round of more men and all of who are available, all of who are courting me. Matt Damon has returned and has expressed his feelings through writing, speaking and every possible form of communication. He wants to visit me and steal me and take me to some little village.
I was gifted with an ice box with a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and two glasses in the back of a gym friend’s car. A champagne picnic. It was darling, yet it was horrible and imposing and made me feel the worst I have felt in awhile. I have never even had a cup of coffee outside the gym with this man. I had to decline as I was running to dinner. He insisted I take the ice box. I took it, alone . .
Another friend gifted me with a wind chime.
My old best friend is back in my life and truly cares about and knows me and is showing my apartment and helping me immensely.
Then there is a new man here in Puerto Rico. He is great. An amazing painter. Has taken me to dinner twice. We have hung out at the beach. He has picked me up at the airport. I used his laundry machines (a huge plus). He is working on solving my current car problem. He offered me his car. He offers solutions to everything. And he is on a high from hanging out with me.
And here I am and all I can think about is how I miss Caballito. I can’t even kiss any of the other men.
I truly need help.