The unfastened ride that lies ahead

Perhaps, I was feeling slightly vulnerable yesterday. My job may be over come January 1st. My birthday is on Sunday, creating that inevitable loneliness. (Especially in PR, where my attempts to plan something were thwarted, an unfortunate evidence of my lack of footing here.) I got into a car accident the other night, and the potential loss of Caballito, was too much to bear. Not to mention the week that lies ahead with family, or lack thereof.

I saw Caballito. It wasn’t to retrieve the dresses. During the day, he simply asked if I was still grumpy. I said no. We made plans after my dinner. I went over. He got a bottle of wine. The first departure from our nights of drinking Crystal Light. I wrapped presents, we talked, we laughed, we had amazing sex. Cuddled in bed this am. And tonight, I return to New York with my companionship intact. However, the small silliness of the past few days, the acting up on my behalf, made me realize that this companionship will not live forever as-is. I can’t see someone every day, share emotions, life, missing you’s, and not be affected by our lack of relationship. I have the option to return to it in January. We have not had our good-byes. My mind saved from the post FWB break-up blues even should they be inevitable.  

Thank you for the postponement. Thank you, for my thoughts have too many appointments in the next two weeks. Ie. Lay the groundwork to survive and/or prepare myself for whatever shift is coming my way in January:

No job, different role, less money, move full-time to PR?, move out of PR? . . .
My job = where I live = friends, relationships, balance, happiness = MY LIFE

I am going for a ride. Life is changing. I reach for the seatbelt. It is missing.


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