Crying, dreaming, stuck

12-11 6am

I saw him through his window. I look from a foreign room, not in our house, but further up the hill. Darren, his childhood friend, and Jonathan, another name from the times of playing with sticks and building forts, are gaming. They are all almost thirty. My brother is taking a bite of pizza and a border collie is on on the bed attempting to acquire and share in the greasy delight.

My brother’s head turns towards me. I step and attempt to hide between the half open blinds. I am peering into a secret. Moments before, I was in that house. No one was aware that my brother had a dog, nor did I know that life was transpiring in his cave, that smiles existed behind his front of gruffness.

He spotted me. He comes to where I am. Now I am on the sidewalk after just attempting to park an 18-wheeler. The back tire deflates instantaneously. I am shaken, exasperated. My petulant brother is concerned. I start sobbing uncontrollably. I say, wallow, “I am stuck.” The sobs growing in their volume.

And I wake up. I am crying hard, the most genuine tears I have cried in awhile.

I write this still stunned as I have never experienced such.

I post this now. Amazed at how this feeling of being stuck/dependent has increasingly become a paralyzing source in my life. I notice internal conflict regarding my ability to ask for help, to sk for anything. There is something for me to be learned through this. Right now. I just haven’t quite grasped it yet. 

On this note, my birthday is next Sunday. i am in PR. I have no idea how to navigate the world of choosing places here and everyone celebrates largely. But, do I need to coordinate a DJ, champagne, rent out a place? I don’t have the funds to do so and no one has stepped in with suggestions and/or in agreement with my wanting to celebrate here. Alone. Someone help. Yet, I already feel silly speaking of my birthday. I being the person who downplays it. Yet, i want to collect the people I know and enjoy them. Pick a place and actually dance for once here . . . But no support. No help. This is different than the feeling of being stuck, but perhaps, the common link is poor communication. Unable to say what I want. Indirect. Hoping for my intended result sans asking the question. Mind-readers, required. I think i get the message, but am not making any progress on this one . . . 



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