After spinning class and the gym, I felt chemically rebalanced. Calm. Content. Tired. Not wanting to meet Jack, The Journalist, Martin or Man out for drinks, i went home with thoughts of working, but decided to mentally turn off instead. I did, however take a call from Caballito. Minutes before the call, as I walked the empty, rat-infested street that I live on in Manhattan, my saboteur thoughts returned. My internal dialogue, the stubborn child, spoke-“i am not going to bring stockings, the appropriate garters, and outfit to PR to fulfill Caballito’s voiced fantasy.”
I do this. I pull. I push. I distance. I turn off. Without a cause or wrongdoing. Perhaps, I turn off when a legitimate cause to do so seems imminent or worse, when the man fails to voice and/or reaffirm my role. This reminds me of “games” and why we, both male and female, should never play them. Perhaps, a man may choose to stay distant, not attached, protect himself. If this man is with attainingme, he may just be forfeiting his role playing fantasy coming to fruition . . .
Caballito unknowningly salvaged his fantasy. His phone call was sweet. The first time we truly spoke since I left PR. I miss his voice. I can hear in his voice that he misses me. He was concerned with my schedule, empathetic of my feelings of loneliness here. Amazing. Most men would attempt to give me advice, “go out and see everyone, etc, etc.” He understands me. I can’t wait to see him. He truly likes hanging out with me. Simple. I don’t need more. I just need that.
Females are complicated. It’s not that i needed Caballito to commit and/or profess a desire to be my boyfriend. As I previously wrote, I don’t want him to be my boyfriend. However, I need to have some “present” security in the relationship that we have, even if it’s a companionship or a FWB. Perhaps, I don’t speak for all women, but my moments with him left me glowing. The happiness I felt is something that tore open a vulnerability, one that I wanted to run from if it wasn’t matched. He matched it tonight. It didn’t require much. Our situations may change and that is fine, an abrupt disruption I welcome. Until then, match me Caballito, I have the garters packed.