An a-ah moment

I am at work. Overwhelmed. 
I sat here searching for tears- forcing them. I went outside. As the rain poured, I stood with my skinny Capri cigarette watching the rain. Moments before thinking about how I wanted to run, run away, and how an actual run would have to suffice. The rain now inhibiting that plan. 
I wanted to fall, melt onto the pavement. I had this feeling yesterday. Before another binge.  Was tonight destined to be the same? 

Watching myself from the outside, hearing other’s advice should I choose to share. How easy it should be to overcome this . . Telling myself I always do. But, yet these moments exist. I am overwhelmed. I think about going home and falling into a sleep, an escape. Killing the possibility of making the 1am flight to New York to make it for Matt’s proposed sailing trip tomorrow. Feeling horrible. Thinking about Anya’s email, the guilt. Thinking about Perfect’s dad and how I offered to help. And have failed to. THinking about the many people waiting on things from me- emails, phone calls, visits, time  . . and realizing how I procrastinate. How I am frozen in time . . . Realizing what the proper action is and the simplicity of it.

Prioritize. Smile. Enjoy the moments. The days will go on. You will enjoy the island this weekend. Don’t add extra stress about needing to return to New York. I realize that my hesitance, my internal stresses were heightened when I thought about how I would make Matt feel. The guilt.

And thence came the moment . . . the realization of my hold-up, a common thread linking so many of my problems. It’s the “WANT”. I want to do more than my capacity allows. I want to be everything to everyone. I hide and punish myself when I am not. To the outside world, I am busy or flaky. Internally, I am in prison, suffering for my lack of production. When two friends both want to do something conflicting, I do nothing. I do nothing when I think I may hurt someone and I end up hurting them more. Why? Where does this stem from?  . . . It’s amazing how my capacity for certain stresses has no limit. While others, mostly when they affect other’s emotions, are paralyzing. 


Hmmmm . . .


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