I was not built to break November 23, 2009
Posted by attainingme in A., Introspective, Work & Career.Tags: Motivation, strength, Whitney Houston, Will
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My breath cannot breathe. Suffocated by the inertia that surrounds me, the lies I have learned. A fog envelops me this morning, the bed beckons me. But it offers no true refuge, an escape escapes me.
I reach, I reach deep into my heart. And I plead, I plead for my inner will. I search for the strength so seemingly eluding. The mountain’s face continues to loom. I am so tired of climbing. Disbelief at the challenges that face me.
I think of my life. The world that I dance on top of. The black ferrari in which I sat as we flew down the FDR. The check. The meetings. The movies. The sphere of the influential and the famous building in which I now sit. The surface so vastly different than the truth and the maze in which consumes my heart. To be on the brink of something so great. My energies question their ability to continue. But, I know. I know that this is not forever.
And I return to working on eliciting the change in which I desire. The cement to the world my toes are immersed in . . .
And I listen to Whitney Houston’s, “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength.”
And I pick myself back up.
Hold my head up high.
I was not built to break.
Seeing me November 16, 2009
Posted by attainingme in Love & Dating, S., Soulmates.Tags: Being friends, dating, fate, love, misperceptions, Soulmates, timing
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If only you knew the thoughts I think of you. As we run, your steps behind me, my uncle’s words scroll through my mind. How much you awoke me? No one has affected me as you did. And you have no clue. Newly single. My S. I filed my feelings for you many months ago. But they remain proven by the color of my cheeks and the light in my eye when I speak of you . . .
And now you are here. And my words locked. My heart longs for us to get to know each other without the dance we once danced. The me you misread. Hopes that rooms will be filled with our laughter, that you will see the me that everyone else sees. I remember your head on my lap, the ocean screaming in through my windows, my fingers tracing letters, S + D on your perfectly scuplted back. A moment has never been so intimate as hours past, and words not said. I loved you in that moment. But it was post our sealed fate.
Now I think about tonight. A run should the rain not recommence. And I think of the girl that shows up at your door. And I wonder is it the girl that people fall for? Or in the process of hiding, masking my once hurt heart, I am someone else . . .
I can only hope that I deliver me. That our friendship grows. My faith is in timing, for ours is not now. I am gone too much and you too newly single. To the exploration of ourselves, in seeing through our friendship if their is an us beyond what never was.
Everything Matters September 11, 2009
Posted by attainingme in A., DON'T FALL FOR ME, KidRobot, Love & Dating.Tags: being in love, dating, decisions, hidden personalities, love triangles
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Everything Matters . . and everything comes at once.
“It’s the image of a kid . . . a boy let’s say, sitting on the curb, looking around, slightly confused, not sure where he is or even quite who he is. And then an image of a girl, who notices him and stops. She reaches out her hand to him and he takes it. She says nothing, except with that one simple gesture she says the thing that matters most. And that’s – ‘it will be ok.’
And since then, somehow, somehow in many different ways, I have felt inexorably tied to you. Can’t deny that really – I love you even though at the same time you manage to both baffle and frustrate me.
And since then we’ve danced around each other – lovers, friends, other . .
The email continues. My heart skips beat. I laugh out loud. I smile and I also pause. He goes on to speak about a hidden me.
“Since the very beginning I started observing things about you, seeing things, and I suppose the conservationist never let go. I’m sorry – I guess it’s why I could never fully let go even when I pretended I could. I just never knew who I was falling for, so deep down without noticing I setup a natural barrier. And I waited…
I’m not sure exactly what I’ve been waiting for – I suppose a hunch that there was always something left out.”
And how he has danced around its discovery. Waiting to perhaps see and/or to not see something. I can only wonder if he was waiting to be dissuaded. Find out why I possibly wasn’t the one to love . . yet, the feelings, the dreams, and me have never left him—I, a low humming frequency in the life he leads.
I always equated his diatribes, his dissertation-like emails regarding his feelings for me to I being a placard–the justification, the excuse, that he is alone—why he breaks hearts, left and right. I always doubted this love he speaks of. We are so different. But, should it be real, I worry that I will hurt him for this apathetic New York bachelor is a façade for the man I met on that corner so many years ago. A man that still breathes somewhere underneath his hardened exterior. His words today are the first I trust. And perhaps this love he has for me is because I am the only one that knows these breaths?
I don’t know how to respond. I return to New York. To A, to new beginnings of which KidRobot does not yet know. In Puerto Rico, Caballito and I remain close, an entirely different story, one that was cemented by a tragedy . . .
And my life baffles me.
Currents June 16, 2009
Posted by attainingme in KidRobot, Love & Dating, Matt Damon, S., The Impulsive Gentleman.7 comments
There is so much noise, it is silent. My mind is blank or is it everywhere? Currents of thoughts against a sea of nothing. Perhaps I am lost in the many days that pass. The sun’s risings each morning are becoming a blur and I, am no longer capturing them.
A return to dormant behaviors. And a necessary selfishness for those behaviors threaten me of drowning. The priority merely keeping afloat, functioning. My thoughts pass between men, my empty bank account, the proper solution, career, foundation, dreams and the few things that actually matter in life’s larger scheme … The issues conflicting and my mind, awash.
For simplicity, I will update “men” as this blog is chapters in and chapters behind.
Thoughts of S are fewer and farther between. I note that my thoughts have lingered longer than we were together. How amazing to be affected so much by somone with whom we were never an us. He told me three weeks ago that he was back with his ex. Glowing as he ran on the treadmill, he felt more connected to her than he has ever felt with anyone. A dagger in my heart. Although, jealousy escapes me. I am happy for him should his words be true. Caught actions since make me question those words, or perhaps, all men.
The impulsive gentlemen weighs on me. His words, “You are not ready for a relationship. You need a friend. I fear that in only wanting to make you happy, I have made you unhappier.” His words are true. The supposed pressure is gone, but with each invite, each told bottle of wine, and cooked meal I refuse, I cringe.
The lingering gentlemen, the love, his disappointment, it all pains me. To go through each day alone and have someone thinking of you every moment, who would give anything to be that companion you long for …
In recent days, words from ghosts pass fill my email box, KidRobot, Matt Damon. My signifcance hurts me.
I feel as I am surrounded by an impenetrable circle. My world is just me. The orbiting worlds breathe me, dream me while I can only breathe thoughts indistinct.
I long for one more dance May 20, 2009
Posted by attainingme in Caballito, Love & Dating, Sex.4 comments
Text from Caballito: “I guess you don’t want to see me anymore, right? I will stop insisting eventually don’t worry . . . “
My companion. The smiles, the ease, the comfort and the dances– the memories remain. The words on this blog cement them. The emotions I survived, the attachment to a connection that remains unparalleled. A connection that was never intended to be more.
And a text received Sunday. I do want to see him. I feel his longing, his missing me. But my life no longer affords him a window. Perhaps, the window will reopen. But the longing is what I find most intriguing. For my emotions past written are now his.
Timing. Sliding doors. Life. And I think of S. And the Impulsive Gentlemen. And a pile of coins. Hands. Time. Options.
Love and lust. An exploration continues. May 18, 2009
Posted by attainingme in DON'T FALL FOR ME, Love & Dating, S., The Impulsive Gentleman.Tags: falling in love, honeymoon period, love, Love triangle, lust, marriage, mixed feelings
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I hesitate to write for I wish I could pen a fairytale. This does have the makings, but I pulse the brakes. Create a million stops, hoping I will catch up–but so many miles lie between your emotions and mine.
. . . I am not sure what it is I have learned, but I am learning. Every night he asks me the same thing, and my response remains. “It’s a possibility.”
It is too soon. And that he knows. What if I said yes– that I would marry him. What then? I would wear a ring and he would gain some sense of being able to maintain the happiness that has permeated his life?
Falling in love is a cathexis and if ever, this is one to note. His words echo mine of S. And I realize that the act of falling in love, the lust, is much about feeling one with the other. Feeling complete, a superior you. He has changed at work and has closed a deal a day since we met. He stands taller. He wakes up earlier. Healthier. He feels like a better person. Effortless. High.. Genuine. This cathexis. This falling in love. I am the most important thing to hm. The feelings so deeply felt they need not be questioned, he wants to marry me, and would tomorrow.
My life is full of my passions and many of which are his, albeit dormant. And I suspect that when you meet someone who brings you closer to your own values, your own desired self, the feeling of love pervades.
I am the most important thing in his life right now and I feel it every moment, so much so. It is painful. This week was spent sharing time with friends, mine and his. We shared an evening with my colleague, T, the one person who is akin to family, the person who I believe my path thus far was intended to meet.
He had just arrived from a long five day love affair, although the lover is in New York, a relationship unfeasible, but it was a weekend of intimacy and passion at its best. We spoke about how difficult it was and the Impulsive Gentleman interjected, “That’s how I feel but there is no water in between. Every night I go to bed and I long for her (me) and she is within a drive’s reach, but I can’t see her.” The pain of which this was said was incredible..
I am continuing the process of getting to know him. I love the time we spend together, but it is not lust, not close. I laugh and find myself at ease. a slowly growing love. With his heels over his head, everyday is me pressing the brakes. Everyday is a mix of suffocating and enjoying. I find it curious. This gradual accumulation of feelings, my antiquated belief was in instantaneous.
His only goal is to make me the happiest woman for the rest of his life. He is patient and lacks frustration. This I admire, but I am mixed with doubt and concern that I don’t crave him enough ….
We will see. For now I unpack the dozen roses I just received,
Missed connections May 1, 2009
Posted by attainingme in Love & Dating, S., The Impulsive Gentleman.2 comments
I saw you as I left the gym last night. You were on the phone and nodded to me and kissed me on the cheek as if we were acquaintances. My intuition sensed a wall and one not of a man trying to create a distance. Perhaps, my ego chose what I sensed, but it seemed as if you care, as if you couldn’t bear to look at me. I told you the story of the ring two nights ago. My honest feelings regarding the new man. For you are a true friend now, right?
When I told you, you thought I was dating someone at the gym. It explained so much . . . Many of your misperceptions regarding me were corrected. And I think your heart longed. But, then you told me you were looking to switch jobs. And I know that means, bigger and better. Europe, New York, anywhere. PR is no longer the answer for you. You will leave. And you have no ties to anything. And it will remain as such. And I believe we still both care. That we both have lingering feelings. But they will remain, lingering.
My heart will always remember you. The instant attraction I felt, the respect. But, our paths will not form one. Mere interceptions. Friendships. Business. Nothing else. Of that, I am becoming more sure. ]
I am becoming more drawn to the man who is emotionally available- the Impulsive Gentlemen. I am reevaluating my desired partner. And while my feelings are addictive-like in their nature to you- they will end there.
I found this. I wrote it 2 weeks after we started seeing each other> I woke up at 6am. And I almost left your apartment without a goodbye. I wrote this instead. It echoes that of which was our end . .
“I apologize for my departure. I leave and I contemplate shutting the door and never reopening it. For the first time, I do this despite my attraction, to all facets of you, remains unchanged.
And you, you do everything that qualifies as a man pursuing and engaged. Daily phone calls, allowances, and shifts of priorities (with I winning) late night convos, undivided attention
Perhaps my senses have identified something missing. I just wonder if it from you or I? Perhaps, I don’t feel you like me and am failing to see those eyes that say such. Well, really like. I am not so insecure that I question your actions. I do know you care. But I also know between us lies a great divide. Maybe I am just too out of practice, maybe too vulnerable to play this game in the unknown. Perhaps I need too much assurance. Need to see you fall. Perhpas, I am too used to seeing people fall.
I believe in efforetless. And my mind recalls your eyes in each time I would start to speak. Sitting across the dining room working on our respective computers, with each opening word, however silly, you would turn off the music and just listen. Your eyes piercing me
I honestly have no idea what I am feeling. Perhaps it is fight or flight. Perhaps I . . .
I am at a loss. Unzipped. I say too much. Too soon. I want to retract. I suppose I still feel tested.. We are sleeping together now, but deep down I feel I failed. I don’t enjoy this scrutiny and while you are a man I would be proud to call mine and while you are someone who could potentially be the , I go now.
I close the door and I realize perhaps this is the natural dynamic of man and woman. As much as you r straightforward, not playing games, my subconscious is engaging me to be hunted. For isn’t this the true bait ..
Whatever. X”
Just bring your passport. -the stranger. April 27, 2009
Posted by attainingme in DON'T FALL FOR ME, Love & Dating, Sex, The Impulsive Gentleman, Travel beyond my two homes- lucky me.Tags: dating, falling in love, Gifts, lust, spontaneity, surprises, travel
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I wonder what it is. I note a difference-one that transcends the now that is relevant.
A perfect weekend. My thoughts drifted to S but not without relief. A heart wasn’t pained, just pensive. This weekend isnt what I expected. A man who I have never before dated spontaneously invited me to the British Virgin Islands. Hours later we were in flight. I welcomed the adventure and the departure from thinking about S.
Now truly “what next?” is something I wonder- I am not sure. I am apprehensive. Commitphobic. I can continue and will, but without pressure, without being bound. As long as I can see where this goes before it involves rules. I now wear S’s shoes. I am the one that doesn’t want the tethers of a relationship with this new man.
I sit writing watching pelicans nosedive into brilliantly clear water. My toes crinkle the fine sand that engulfs them. It is Monday morning. He is in the room sleeping. We are in a famed romantic hotel on the the most amazing unspoiled island. This place secluded and exclusive. A truly special hotel. The spa perced on the mountain offered a blissful Sunday.
I feel extremely comfortable with this man, and more importantly, I am happy. But I question what home will bring. Could this be a relationship? I am not yet ready. With S, I never questioned. However, it was not effortless. The process was vulnerable. I believe we didn’t trust eachother, trust a future us.
The new relationship is intimate without pretense, comfort. But, how could it not be? A business lunch with a casual last minute invitation to an island I knew nothing of. Hours later I filled out one custom form per his deciding we were “married.” The holding hands and “dear” to play the part, soon became the norm. He kissed me later and every hour since has been as if this is the way it has always been. Him and I.
But I think of S. I think of my desire to not publicize this and be bound. And I think of the strangers’ comments on Friday just hours before I came to BVI. I spoke briefly of S and she noted how much he meant to me. How I changed when I said his name. How he clearly struck a chord with me and is in my heart. How right she was and is. I recall his words and take them for face value. “Take care Smith.” We have spoken regularly since. I question if it is out of courtesy. I desire to see him and say something. I am not ready to let my almost go and his actions tell me perhaps nor is he.
But a man would reverse an end not meant. I need to see him and close the door, to know if it is open for I return now, “married” in an effortless romance to whom I deem, the Impulsive Gentleman.
To my almost . . . April 5, 2009
Posted by attainingme in Love & Dating, S..Tags: breaking up, Love & Dating, memories, relationships, sad, Thoughts
13 comments
Almost my better half-
My thoughts are devoted to you right now. I am trying to not think about you, let my thoughts just be. But your eyes and your words are too distracting. I hear the charming words, I see you on top of me as you pinned my arms and tried to tickle me, I see you next to me in the car, staring and touching my beauty marks, I feel the heat of your body as we passed each other in the gym, touched lightly and made everyone take note that perhaps someone had me, I feel your hands on my hips as you taught me balloneta, your fingers on my lips as your attempted to teach my tongue how to roll it’s r’s. The many moments of silence as your listened to me and always digested my words, pausing before you spoke. Truly soaking in the minutia of what I said. My heart hurts with these memories. My heart hurts more with the knowledge of what could have been.
My girlfriend’s words last night on how much she likes you, how great you are. I could only think in anger then that she should have been using past-tense. I felt she was not helping. How attractive you are. What a gentlemen. Yes, I know. I said. Can’t we just focus on how him and I were not right?
I wonder now if that was truly our end. “Take care Smith”. (Substitute Smith for my last name, which is what he called me) I wonder where you are in this moment. Your childhood friend/other business partner is visiting and your itinerary is booked. I imagine you laughing, enjoying. I sit typing, hearing the crashing of the ocean. My lights dim as a second light has met its end in the 24 hours since ours. Perplexed at how I change these lights that are 14 feet above me. I wish our end had a solution—was simply challenging but fixable, like this hard to reach light fixture.
For now, I will sit in darkness, the white saliva of the ocean as the light to this dark.
My ocean before the darkness:
